Are you Loving The Wrong Person | Are You doing It Again?
Loving the wrong person doesn’t surprise us when we finally realize that it’s not the true love we’ve been searching for. We generally see the red flags and know it’s not a good idea from the start. It’s amazing that we know they’re not suitable for us after spending a few minutes with them when we first meet. But still, we’ll do it anyway.
Falling in lust is easy, but finding healthy relationships and falling in love with the right person is not so easy. If you listen to your gut feeling, your subconscious, your best friend, and your family members, they will tell you exactly what you should do when you begin to fall in love with the wrong person. But, will you listen?
Martin Ward | November 16, 2020
“Love does not die easily. It is a living thing. It thrives in the face of all life’s hazards, save one – neglect.”
James D. Bryden
1863 – 1938
Table of Contents
Loving The Wrong Person, And You Know It.
You can hear your gut telling you that you are loving the wrong person, that they are not a good fit for you. Your subconscious may even be screaming at you to run! Still, you pay little or no attention.
Fuzzy feelings and butterflies. The urge to constantly look at your phone, hoping to see their name appear on the screen. We all know how falling in love with someone, and our eagerness to be loved in return can feel.
Even when a past relationship turns into a toxic relationship and may have torn us completely apart, that exciting feeling of something new, finding that special someone, is the hardest thing for us to maintain our emotional equilibrium about.
For a lot of people, maintaining self-restraint doesn’t only relate to romantic relationships; it can relate to a connection that is felt with a friend.
You know, in your heart, who you genuinely love, and who you love to spend time with, and who you don’t.
This post focuses on romantic love, the clear sign that something is wrong with what we might be doing, and recognizing that we can make mistakes with a new relationship and with the wrong person for the wrong reasons.
Love is a beautiful feeling that makes us understand what life offers and why life is worth living.
Feeling attached deeply to another person is a feeling like no other. Yet, we can sometimes fall into the trap of loving the wrong person, even if it feels like it’s a good thing to do and the right time to do it.
And as you probably know, you may be doing it again, and it might end up badly as it has in the past.
If you do listen to what your gut and heart are telling you, it’s time to pull the ripcord.
“It is difficult to know at what moment love begins; it is less difficult to know that it has begun.”~Henry Wadsworth Longfellow 1807 – 1882
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Your Core Values Do Not Align
We know the heart wants what it wants, which may explain why we sometimes fall in love with the wrong people who are simply not suitable for us.
Perhaps we know that the person we’re in love with, or falling in love with, is a fantastic person. But deep down, we know that it’s just not at the high bar or the high standard that we’ve set for a serious relationship that we know can last.
There are a lot of indications right off the bat that you value different things, a different sort of life, and are, in the long run, not really a very good match at all.
You’ve allowed yourself to be emotionally misguided and have fallen in love with the wrong kind of a person.
Maybe they would like to have children, perhaps even a lot of children, and the idea of having several mini versions of yourself running around is not one you imagine.
You may be very emotional and supportive, but they are not. Or, maybe you put a lot of importance on your religion, and your partner does not want to participate or respect it. For some, that may be fine, but for others, it’s not, and it’s OK for that to be a deal breaker for you if you feel it is.
When these core values aren’t in line with one another, you may feel that feeling in your gut that’s telling you this is the wrong relationship with the wrong guy or girl, and it just isn’t going to work.
The good news is that you can make a better choice this time. You can say this doesn’t work for you and simply decide to walk away.
In Love With The Idea Of A Person
Falling in love with the idea of or of a type of person is a big failing for human beings. We react emotionally to someone based on what we think we need as opposed to what we actually need.
OK, please cue the Rolling Stones again. Yes, you can’t always get what you want, right? But you might just get what you need. YES.
I’m paraphrasing, but you get the idea. That song should be playing in your head on a loop by now while reading this post because it’s so true.
You may realize that you are in love with the wrong person because you are in love with a version of them that is simply impossible for them to achieve or maintain. And certainly, it’s a version that, in reality, you could never live with. It’s a love story, not real love.
Or a version of themselves that is your ideal, and yet still not the reality of the soul mate you are longing for.
For example, perhaps you constantly bring up small things that need to change to feel more comfortable or happier in the relationship, yet nothing ever changes.
You may be in a relationship with someone whose schedule doesn’t match yours, no matter how frustrating it can be.
Another sign may be that you’re giving up some good habits for them once you are in a relationship. It’s time for you to learn how to say no.
“Love is the strange bewilderment which over-takes one person on account of another person.”
~ James Thurber 1884 – 1961 & E.B White 1899 – 1985
Love doesn’t hurt but loving the wrong person does
You’re reading this post because you’re probably in a lot of pain. You’ve made the wrong decisions in love in the past, and probably you’ve done it again.
Loving someone doesn’t hurt, but loving the wrong person can because the love you’ve given for a fairly long time has not been reciprocated.
It’s a really good topic for us to touch on, so let’s get into it.
We are all searching for that perfect partner in life, and that’s a term rife with improbabilities because, with all our potential partners or that perfect person because, as you know, no one is perfect, not even you.
However, falling in love with and loving your best friend is not beyond the realm of possibilities. In fact, It’s a lot more doable than searching for your fantasy or big screen version of Romeo or Juliet.
I’ll bet that you can even go back in your life to past relationships and say to yourself, I really did love so and so. They knew me so well, I always enjoyed being with them. You were great together, and being happy with them didn’t take much effort.
Yup, that’s the one. But you let them go…why…bad timing? Or because there was something that was missing. That’s something that you need to get your head around.
Why do you let the good guys go instead of running from the bad boys or maybe… the bad girls?
“It’s easier to turn the good guy into a bad boy than turn the bad boy into a good guy,” M.W.
Love should be easy, and maintaining a love life or good relationship built on your fantasy level will probably end up painful.
In her post, “Is Your Relationship Toxic? What to Look For” on Healthline.com, Cindy Lamothe writes, “In a healthy relationship, everything just kind of works. Sure, you might disagree from time to time or come upon other bumps in the road, but you generally make decisions together, openly discuss any problems that arise, and genuinely enjoy each other’s company.”
How To Stop loving The Wrong Person
Loving someone is fine, but staying with a long-term partner who is the actually wrong person for your whole life is a bad thing to let yourself do.
You don’t have to stop loving them. You just need to gather the strength and make an exit. Being able to save yourself and your mental health is the whole point of ending it sooner rather than later.
Learning to leave and not get stuck in bad relationships takes thoughtful planning and execution, especially in relationships that most often should have ended long ago.
Most of the time, in these unhappy love situations, the person that needs to leave is the kind of person that can’t gather the emotional fortitude to do that. It can be hard stand almost impossible to do for many reasons, some of which are very bad and unhappy indeed.
In Her post “Toxic relationships: How to Let Go When It’s Unhappily ever after,” Karen Young writes;
“Love is addictive. So is the hope of love. All relationships can be likened to an addiction, but sometimes the power of this can be self-destructive. When relationships become loveless, hostile, stingy, or dangerous, you would think they would be easy to leave, but they can be the hardest ones to walk away from.”
The only thing you can do is take it one step at a time. It may take some very tough talks and lots of arguments and tears but look for the light at the end of the tunnel for both of you.
An unhappy relationship is unhappy for everybody, and the only way anyone is coming out better is to work together and help each other see the writing on the wall. Everyone is miserable and will be better off in the end by letting go.
“But we hold on to what is pure; We cherish the truth we’ve found. And what is beautiful shall always remain Because we never really let go of love.” ~ Jocelyn Soriano
How Do You Know It’s Time To Let Go?
It’s time to let go in a relationship when life together has gotten to the point where you or any other individual are at a point where someone’s well-being is at risk.
Perhaps the first step would be giving each other space or time away from each other and then taking the second step, which would be deciding to move on and away from one another for good.
Letting go of the things we think or believe, we need or want, is a very hard thing to do indeed. I had a hard time recently letting go of a great car I’d loved for years. I know that is not a person or a love interest.
Now I know that certainly isn’t like letting go of, or losing, a family member, loved one, or even your beloved pet. But the letting goes process for anything requires the same kind of open-mindedness and positive mindset that acceptance requires so that you can move forward.
Life changes, we grow, people will grow apart, things and people will leave us, and we need to develop the belief that we will be fine. In most cases, unlike a parent or family member, we were fine before these things and people came into our lives. We’ll be fine without them.
When people can not grow the acceptance mindset that allows them a healthy process of letting go, we need to pay very close attention because we may be in the presence of an individual that’s possibly become emotionally unstable and needs assistance from a professional so they can gain a more comfortable and leveled perspective for moving out of an unstable mindset.
“Some people believe holding on and hanging in there are signs of great strength. However, there are times when it takes much more strength to know when to let go and then do it.” ~ Ann Landers
Listen to what your gut feelings are telling you. Don’t fall in love with or end up loving the wrong person over and over again or getting caught in continual rebound relationships.
You need to do the inner work on yourself with your limiting beliefs, so you increase your self-worth to the degree that you value yourself enough so you don’t spend a lot of time or much time with anyone that would take advantage of you or be physically or verbally abusive to you.
You deserve a person who loves you as much as you love them. It may take a fair amount of time and personal growth work, but you should believe in your heart that you will find that equally devoted partner for yourself that you deserve.
They are out there somewhere. One that will go to the end of the world for you, as you would do for them.
“Love is an irresistible desire to be irresistibly desired.” ~ Robert Frost 1874 – 1963
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My Name is Marty Ward and I’m the creator and publisher of the 1-Vibrant-Life blog.
On March 8th, 1984, at the age of 26, I sustained a traumatic brain injury in a car accident while driving to my day job.
At the time of the accident, I was having a fairly successful life as a musician in Chicago, which included a recent appearance on Star Search 84′ with Ed McMahon and preparing to be included in a group major independent recording contract.
However, after my accident, I was unable to perform or play my instrument. I was out of work and I had lost all confidence in myself and my abilities, felt lost and with no direction.
My injury and my recovery led me down a path of self-improvement, and self-discovery which gave me my life back filled with many amazing experiences and a newfound sense of hope. Learn more about my story on the 1-vibrant-life about page.
CBTCP Certification (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy Certified Practitioner) | 10-16-2021 Certification From The Academy of Modern Applied Psychology, in The Transformative Science of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, CBT